Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
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Happy Febuary everyone!
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Bless you
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.