[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
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kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.