TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead