us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Previously On Persistence 😎
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.