I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Bring back the McRib
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes