daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
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Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes