Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them