Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument