Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
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Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me