I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
That lamp looks PISSED.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Carpe DM
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.