i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
馃檳馃檲馃檴
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The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 馃檪
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I can鈥檛 keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
there鈥檚 a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I鈥檝e lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you鈥檙e looking for my family they鈥檒l be in the backyard until Thursday.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don鈥檛 care about to confess?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.