Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
british sex workers really pound for pound
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no