“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Wake me when AI does housework
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
When someone trying to leave me
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*