Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
#Caturday
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Air pods looking like an angry frog
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat