Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
You Might Also Like
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Ken is short for chicken
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob