“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.