I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
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doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Snapes on a plane.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Am I having a stroke?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
multitasking lunch
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!