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My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.