[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts