Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
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Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
j o i m p
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
one last job
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me