[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
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Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
That eye roll….
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen