My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.