The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
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Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I need this for my side hustle.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92