So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.