If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Day 2 of my diet
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*