“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
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Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
my nickname in college
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot