[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog