my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
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Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !