“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
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me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I hope Alan is OK
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.