10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Rather alarming headline…
Bless you