If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
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Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
japanese corn
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong