[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
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I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc