If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
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Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails