Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
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“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
road rage
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒