Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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Girl, same.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass