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[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Guys, I found it.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips