I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
You Might Also Like
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….