ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
You Might Also Like
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.