I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”