Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
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*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now