*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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#math
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?