When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans