“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
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Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.