What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
January is lasting longer than my marriage
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
plums roundup
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”