them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Feel. He’s so soft.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies