[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
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[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.