the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
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Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Velcrow
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door