Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips