Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.