Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.